Posts Tagged ‘life’

I can’t believe that I have never mentioned this here.

One of the most hilarious things that I like to recount to people is the fact that as high school progressed, I made myself into such a Mean Girl that people actually compared me to Regina George from it for years. On the outside, at high school, I was conceited and preppy. I was popular and sociable. I had learned how to work the system at my high school to my success while managing to have a completely separate personality outside of it, being a gamer and a geek when I wasn’t actually in school — I didn’t want the people that I went to school with to know about, or have anything to do with, that side of me, and I was more than content to continue working the system exactly as I’d just previously described. Looking back on things, they were hilarious by the time that I’d given birth to my oldest son… I had cut everyone from my graduating class out of my life, and in a few years I would manage to cut all but one person that attended my high school out of my life as well simply because I did not want to continue to have to put that charade up. I made it clear that I did not want to attend, or even be invited to, any class reunions or anything related to the time I spent in high school. That would go on to be honored, which made me happy even though I’m still technically searchable on sites like Facebook… but I mean, there is a block list that I can use if needed, which is great.

However, I still suppose that I have some of that Mean Girl inside of me. It’s like the whole “two wolves” allegory or analogy or whatever… there’s a part of me that loves clothes, pink, and can be or come off as brash and conceited, and then there’s a geekier part of me. I’m not entirely a nice person, and I own up to that. I’d say that I’m mostly nice (and some people might say that I’m completely nice until, or unless, they see that part of me), but I know that I’m not actually completely nice. And I am completely okay with that.

So I did it. I quit the fandoms that I was part of.

Anyone who said “you can only quit fandom when you’re dead” has clearly not met me.

None of this was out of malice though, and I want to make that abundantly clear.

I realized that fandom participation, even — perhaps especially — amongst those who shared common television shows or pairings with me was becoming increasingly more detrimental to my mental health. Being an admin on a Supernatural fandom and meta server, and doing the things that come with that and were supposed to bring me joy and satisfaction, was becoming increasingly more detrimental to my mental health. Something that was supposed to bring me joy and satisfaction was making me depressed and sad. I decided that I would no longer engage in things that actively contributed to these states of mind, so I “tendered” my resignation from fandom as a whole, quit Discord servers related to said fandoms, and exited Facebook groups for the same. This was kind of like what I did when Bub was like… all of two years old, I was active in fandoms, and then I decided that I didn’t want to participate in them so I simply dropped off of their maps and wasn’t really missed (which made me happy because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself doing this, although my presence in recent fandoms was such that I didn’t have a choice with it).

I don’t want to be asked questions about this or told that I could have handled matters differently.

In fact, I am actually already feeling better, so I know that this decision was the right one for me to make.

For the sake of posting something, here’s a post.

After giving it a lot of thought, I’ve decided to join the Coven of Satan (and Queer Satanists) rather than affiliate with The Satanic Temple. There were certain things about The Satanic Temple that did not sit well with me, although I continue to like the work that Shiva Honey does within The Satanic Temple. It’s all really confusing. However, I feel like it’s the best thing for me to do right now — my values align with the Coven of Satan and Queer Satanists more than they do The Satanic Temple, so it only seems fitting and right that I affiliate myself with the coven (or group, or temple) that best fits those values. I think I’ll keep the flag that I have for The Satanic Temple in my room and the certificate that says that I am a member, but over time I may cover those up with Coven of Satan stuff. It all depends. I need to check their shop out sometime, heh.

And as for my birthday, which is coming up, all I want is Etsy gift cards. I want kandi bracelets and perler necklaces. I’m finally living the life that I want to live and dressing how I want to dress (as when my mother bought me clothes and jewelry, it was never anything that I could actually wear, and it was apparent that she was dressing the daughter that she didn’t have because I was not and never would be that person).

But I mean, shouldn’t I have expected this?

Predictably, that comment that I reported to that dude’s Human Relations department “didn’t violate Facebook community standards”, even though his own job thanked me for reporting it to them and told me that the HR department and his manager would be speaking to him about the inappropriateness of things he said on his off time that reflected poorly on the job as a whole (which hilariously caused him to delete the entire comment as though none of it happened). This doesn’t surprise me though. Facebook didn’t take down a comment I’d reported like… eons ago, when it happened, where a man stated that he wanted to commit arson on a child support office with the workers inside, and then their Oversight Board literally refused to do anything about a violent threat. At this point, I don’t expect anything substantial from Facebook any more.

Facebook doesn’t like leftist advocates, especially when they are AFAB or women, and it really, really shows.

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