Things happen. Life happens. I’m going to be asking my psychiatrist to put me back on guanfacine, because months of Straterra (or however you spell it)… aren’t working. I have to put Post-It notes on my wall to remember to take the medication. It’s not working anywhere near as well as guanfacine did. And the whole point of ADHD medication is to allow you to be more attentive and less forgetful, which clearly is not happening in this case here. I aspire to fix this in about a month when I see my psychiatrist for a check-in.

A… friend of Bub’s father contacted me now that I’ve unblocked the majority of them to see what they would do, which I initially had mixed feelings over. But then we got to talking, and I told him some things that I intend on mentioning here at some point for the first time, and he understood where I was coming from when I understandably “took (Bub) and ran (from his father)”. There are some things that I want to get off of my chest after his upcoming birthday for the sake of doing so, even if that means “going public”, because all of it is the truth substantiated by my medical records. There’s so much that he took from me in 2009 that I intend on taking back. I want to tell the story of… what happened, and I want to do all of this on my terms.

I’m continuing to get better, but I’m plagued by the occasional intense tiredness (which results in me dragging during mornings, although I tend to do better during afternoons and evenings, though that varies wildly). Sometimes I’m also plagued by the inability to sleep, or to get restful sleep. It actually seems like restful sleep is harder to come by these days. I do want to begin streaming during the days in addition to during my usual evening and night hours once summer “officially” starts here, which should be next week when secondary schoolers don’t have to report to school. I’m close to figuring out when some of the best hours for me to do that might be, although I’m mindful of my own health as well and definitely don’t want to push things as I heal from sepsis. I’m told that healing can last anywhere from six to eighteen months, although sometimes it can last longer. It depends on how the dice is rolled, I guess. I’m hoping for good odds.

I also measured some of my son’s father (and late husband’s) cremation ashes to send overseas to have a cremation ring made in his honor. It was one of the hardest things that I’ve had to do, even though I’ll get “him” back in the strictest sense of the word. It’s just that these ashes are all I have of the man who gave me my oldest son. He should still be here. He shouldn’t have had to die at the age of thirty-seven. He shouldn’t have had to die on the side of the road because someone who was high and intoxicated insisted on driving that evening. When I found out about his death, I had initially thought that my oldest son and I were finally free of the potential for more abuse to be inflicted on us… and then I became filled with sorrow at the idea that I would potentially live thirty-seven more years without him drawing breath, being part of this world. There would be no chance for him to heal or get help. There would be no chance for him to repair his relationship with me or his son. But for the most part, I’m at peace with it. What else can you possibly do?

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned in previous posts, post-sepsis syndrome is a very real… thing that I’ve had since I began to get over sepsis, although it didn’t make itself as abundantly clear when I was discharged from the hospital. I didn’t quite feel like I was walking on water then, but I felt better than I did… I don’t want to say now, because I do feel better now, but for awhile leading up to now. It’s been a process that I’ve had to coast off of with the medications that I’ve been prescribed for pain and nausea, and justifiably so. I’ve had more migraines than I normally have, which hasn’t surprised me one bit. I’ve been in more systemic, body-wide pain than I thought I would be. Nausea has been kicking me in the tail end, although Pepto Bismol has been an absolute godsend allowing me to keep down necessary medications, working my way up to actual food.

I remain ever thankful to be here, even though some of the symptoms that I have to deal with have been difficult, or profoundly difficult, some of the time. Pain I can deal with. Pain is always something I’ve been able to soldier through. Nausea, on the other hand, has not been something that I have been able to deal with well. Or sufficiently, for that matter. Sickness, of course, remains miserable, solely mine to deal with….