And post-sepsis syndrome is still a whole mood.

I’m continuing to get better, but I’m plagued by the occasional intense tiredness (which results in me dragging during mornings, although I tend to do better during afternoons and evenings, though that varies wildly). Sometimes I’m also plagued by the inability to sleep, or to get restful sleep. It actually seems like restful sleep is harder to come by these days. I do want to begin streaming during the days in addition to during my usual evening and night hours once summer “officially” starts here, which should be next week when secondary schoolers don’t have to report to school. I’m close to figuring out when some of the best hours for me to do that might be, although I’m mindful of my own health as well and definitely don’t want to push things as I heal from sepsis. I’m told that healing can last anywhere from six to eighteen months, although sometimes it can last longer. It depends on how the dice is rolled, I guess. I’m hoping for good odds.

I also measured some of my son’s father (and late husband’s) cremation ashes to send overseas to have a cremation ring made in his honor. It was one of the hardest things that I’ve had to do, even though I’ll get “him” back in the strictest sense of the word. It’s just that these ashes are all I have of the man who gave me my oldest son. He should still be here. He shouldn’t have had to die at the age of thirty-seven. He shouldn’t have had to die on the side of the road because someone who was high and intoxicated insisted on driving that evening. When I found out about his death, I had initially thought that my oldest son and I were finally free of the potential for more abuse to be inflicted on us… and then I became filled with sorrow at the idea that I would potentially live thirty-seven more years without him drawing breath, being part of this world. There would be no chance for him to heal or get help. There would be no chance for him to repair his relationship with me or his son. But for the most part, I’m at peace with it. What else can you possibly do?

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