I do these things because I’m me, come on.

I’ve been having less seizures while I am awake, even by my standards. My guess is that I’m eventually going to have a larger one as a result of this, because that’s just how things happen with me. I almost — no, I actually do — prefer to have more consistent seizures while I am awake because then they tend to be smaller, but if I don’t have one and I don’t have one, it’s larger, almost as if to compensate. I may be having them during the night, because when I do remember having dreams, they are distorted and parts of them are frightening… and that’s almost always a sign that I’ve had a nocturnal seizure. They most definitely interfere with how rested I do — usually don’t — feel the following morning. I can almost always tell, heh.

Luckily, 2,700mg of Gabapentin per day makes things as bearable as they can be.

It’s adorable to explain to people on my governor’s Facebook page that no, I really can’t work. I am a liability to hire and have on the job because you can’t actively tell when I am having a seizure. I go apraxic during almost all of them now, meaning that I literally can not talk. If you’re really lucky, I can gesture to my head and say the word seizure, but that depends on exactly where the seizure hits my head. Almost all of the time, the seizures induce some level of panic because it is literally like throwing an egg at hot asphalt as hard as you possibly can, but all of this is happening in my head. If one hits — and I’m never quite sure when they will, although I do have an aura almost all of the time, and it gives me some warning when I start to go into aura — there’s absolutely no way that I can continue to f fulfill the duties and requirements of my job.

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