Posts Tagged ‘life’

For the sake of simply acknowledging it.

As of today, my mother has been dead for three years now.

Having written about what she did to, and about, my child over the last six months of her life, and then touching on the medical neglect that I experienced as a child (as well as the emotional abuse, having had it screamed in my face when I was a young elementary school student that she wished she had aborted me, that she wished I had never been born, that she hated me, that she didn’t like me, that “no matter how hard I tried I would always be bad”… the list goes on), I’m not sad that she’s gone. I don’t miss her at all. I’ve made it clear to everyone that knows me in person that I do not want to be asked about her and that I don’t want to talk about her unless I have to. I don’t have to deal with her again. I don’t have to talk to her again, either…

She made me choose between her and my child, and the decision was almost pathetically easy.

I mean, I should really have expected this too.

Bub and I are sick with… something. It is not COVID. We’ve tested for COVID with some of the tests that we have here at the house and both of them are negative. If we continue to have concerning symptoms I will have both of us antibody (or is it antigen?) tested. This will be particularly concerning for me if I have it.

I am also continuing to get severe migraines on Lexapro that are only touched by prednisone, and this is not sustainable for long periods of time. I’m starting to wonder if this medication is… just not right for me, because we might have to throw pain medication at it just for me to be able to tolerate it, and then that’s going to start a chain of events that might interact with other medications that I am on that I need to be on.

I have surprisingly made a lot of progress here!

I’ve managed to get past all of the problems that this computer has presented me with so far!

I figured out that the monitor needed a DVI-D cable to DVI-D cable to connect to the desktop, so I went ahead and got one of those since the person who sold me the monitor only sent a VGA cable along with it, and… almost. I mean, they tried. At any rate, I got everything hooked up via USB that needs to be hooked up, and all peripherals appear to be functional. Twitch Studio continues to give me a bit of shit “testing” streaming out, but when I look at the raw stats from the GPU encoder and the computer’s equivalent of an encoder I’m liking what I’m seeing a lot more than I was on the All-in-One computer that we admirably tried to get to stream. (And by that I simultaneously mean “failed miserably to”, especially if you were watching.)

Now all I have to do is reauthenticate ownership of these games we own and I should be almost done!

If it’s not one thing around here, it’s another…

I seem to oscillate between people thinking I am “not severely disabled” and can hold down a conventional job to people thinking that I am so disabled I can’t work at all, and I’ve seen this oscillation happen between a day or two at the least. It’s almost like whiplash. And it’s almost always from able-bodied people, too.

In other news, the cord that I needed to set the gaming computer up has arrived and is functional! I just need to get the Wi-fi adapter that came with the computer to work because it is not working for some reason… all I have to do is get this oe thing fixed and I can begin loading the new computer (which will take some time, and will probably cause no shortage of migraines). That said, I’m getting back to work on loading this thing.

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