I’m continuing to get better, but I’m plagued by the occasional intense tiredness (which results in me dragging during mornings, although I tend to do better during afternoons and evenings, though that varies wildly). Sometimes I’m also plagued by the inability to sleep, or to get restful sleep. It actually seems like restful sleep is harder to come by these days. I do want to begin streaming during the days in addition to during my usual evening and night hours once summer “officially” starts here, which should be next week when secondary schoolers don’t have to report to school. I’m close to figuring out when some of the best hours for me to do that might be, although I’m mindful of my own health as well and definitely don’t want to push things as I heal from sepsis. I’m told that healing can last anywhere from six to eighteen months, although sometimes it can last longer. It depends on how the dice is rolled, I guess. I’m hoping for good odds.

I also measured some of my son’s father (and late husband’s) cremation ashes to send overseas to have a cremation ring made in his honor. It was one of the hardest things that I’ve had to do, even though I’ll get “him” back in the strictest sense of the word. It’s just that these ashes are all I have of the man who gave me my oldest son. He should still be here. He shouldn’t have had to die at the age of thirty-seven. He shouldn’t have had to die on the side of the road because someone who was high and intoxicated insisted on driving that evening. When I found out about his death, I had initially thought that my oldest son and I were finally free of the potential for more abuse to be inflicted on us… and then I became filled with sorrow at the idea that I would potentially live thirty-seven more years without him drawing breath, being part of this world. There would be no chance for him to heal or get help. There would be no chance for him to repair his relationship with me or his son. But for the most part, I’m at peace with it. What else can you possibly do?

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned in previous posts, post-sepsis syndrome is a very real… thing that I’ve had since I began to get over sepsis, although it didn’t make itself as abundantly clear when I was discharged from the hospital. I didn’t quite feel like I was walking on water then, but I felt better than I did… I don’t want to say now, because I do feel better now, but for awhile leading up to now. It’s been a process that I’ve had to coast off of with the medications that I’ve been prescribed for pain and nausea, and justifiably so. I’ve had more migraines than I normally have, which hasn’t surprised me one bit. I’ve been in more systemic, body-wide pain than I thought I would be. Nausea has been kicking me in the tail end, although Pepto Bismol has been an absolute godsend allowing me to keep down necessary medications, working my way up to actual food.

I remain ever thankful to be here, even though some of the symptoms that I have to deal with have been difficult, or profoundly difficult, some of the time. Pain I can deal with. Pain is always something I’ve been able to soldier through. Nausea, on the other hand, has not been something that I have been able to deal with well. Or sufficiently, for that matter. Sickness, of course, remains miserable, solely mine to deal with….