the blog of a disabled mother who likes to game, and "get in the pit"
This is “Anything But Ordinary” by Avril Lavigne, and I used to bump Let’s Go while I was in high school like absolutely nobody’s business. Truth be told, I like all of her music… even the really old stuff. This is just me.
Even though I… don’t believe in the existence of an afterlife, in the extremely small likelihood that I am wrong in that department (and this isn’t me holding out false hope as much as it is me “covering my bases”), I’ve joked to people and told them that I don’t want my mother to even recognize me. So far, to that end, I’ve actually done several things that I hope will cause my mother not to recognize me if there indeed is an afterlife or the capacity for one to be a ghost for any reason. They are all things that I would have done at some point in the future though, but doing them now is for a special reason. So far, I’ve done the following:
· gotten cyberlox for my hair since I’ve wanted to own, and wear, them for years
· dyed my hair another color, which I stopped doing when Bub was young for… some reason
· gotten rid of some of the clothes in my closet that I knew I would never wear again
· researched Satanism, outed myself as safely as I could as a Satanist, and began living my life like one
These are all things that are tangentially related to not wanting her to recognize me in any capacity.
So far, I think I’m doing good in that department. I’m going to love doing even more things in the new year.
When I was cleaning out my closet — see the entries referencing that if you would like — I noticed that I had a lot of clothing from my old two-year college. Since I wanted to make room in my closet and knew that I would never wear those articles of clothing again in spite of how well they may (or may not) have fit me, I decided to throw every single last one of them in the trash. I don’t have any good memories of actually attending that college even though I got a two-year degree from them. So it was cathartic in a way to get rid of those clothes knowing that I would never wear them again, especially given… where… they came from. I’m only in loose contact with one person that attended that college with me although we don’t really talk that much, but I haven’t kept in touch with the rest of the people that I attended with, and for very good reason…
But now that my closet is a lot easier to manage, I’m also thinking of throwing away the clothes that my (now late) mother got me as soon as I can find the time to do so and replace them with better clothes. Sure, they still fit me, so not much has changed in that department. However, they are not items of clothing that I would actually comfortably wear. It was like she was dressing for the version of a child that she did not have and would never exist, and as soon as I got to that section in my closet I could see it for myself. These were just things that I would never wear unless I literally and seriously did not have any other clothes to wear. She must have had it in her mind that I was someone who did not and would not exist, and that’s fine with me because she’s been gone since mid-2019. I don’t miss her, and I don’t think about her very often at all now.
I still find it absolutely hilarious that the Supernatural fandom “got into it” with the individual who worked on special effects during the fifteenth and final season of the show. Although I won’t be quoting it here, he said something extremely homophobic and in poor taste about “Destiel” (the “ship” of Castiel and Dean Winchester, which is so popular and well-known that people who don’t even watch the show, who have barely heard of the show, know exactly what it is and why it is). It eventually got to the point where people stopped commenting to him because we could all tell that he began to do what he was doing for attention at some point, and after awhile I no longer wanted to waste my time trying to explain to someone that the original comment they had made was that homophobic and that much in poor taste. If I recall, it happened at around the time that Dean Winchester’s name began Trending on Twitter due to a leak of the script…
Speaking of Twitter, I have continued to hear absolutely nothing about the suspension of my first account on there. I’m guessing that I won’t hear anything at all regarding the suspension of that account, as I’ve heard from more and more people that sometimes Twitter suspends accounts (even if you are disagreeing with the nomination of who is now our Supreme Court Justice), and when you appeal it as is your right to, they simply ignore the appeal and all attempts at communication with them regarding the appeal. Like I’ve mentioned in previous entries, people have found out how to make subsequent accounts on their site when they blatantly do this, and it’s not actually that difficult to do. Maybe if Twitter would actually do what they are supposed to be doing in circumstances like these and reinstating the account in question or telling the account owner why they were not reinstating the account in question so many people would not be resorting or have resorted to ways to make another account on their website. I can completely look the other way on this one.