Periodically, some people like to ask me if I’ve “forgiven my mom yet”, as though somehow I will… for lack of a better way to put it, be more amenable to doing so, want to come around to the idea of it as more time passes since her death. These tend to be some of the shorter conversations that I have about the matter, as they start and end with the word “no”, and the philosophy that has lent me the most inner peace is that I have not wanted to bring her up when I am not describing to a new audience… what happened (since actually writing about what took place, and the fact that I will never again have positive feelings toward her, as I do not and will never again have any sort of feelings even remotely resembling those you might expect one to have toward a biological parent that did raise them and was a part of their life until, well, said death).

As sad as it is for me to have to say this, I look forward to the coming months and years because the time period between her death (and “when I saw her last”) will progressively grow longer, spanning decades, until I too eventually pass. I will simply forget. Everything. And I am at peace with that. I will forget what it is like for her to have been a staple in this house, what she looked like — especially with hair, as they had to shave all of that to remove the brain tumor that would otherwise have killed her, and then it never really could grow back once she began cancer treatment — as well as what she sounded like, they will become distant memories, and then they will become no memories at all because she will eventually become someone that I just do not think about. I intend for the active “do not think about her at all” phase to begin at the one-year anniversary of her death, which will be this May. And coinciding with this, even though I have my own personal feelings on the… matters, I also feel that it is not (or should not) be “my” decision to forgive her. It should not rest solely, or even exclusively, at my feet. Bub, for lack of a better way to put it, is doing just fine and doesn’t seem to be indicating in any meaningful way that he thinks about her. (But I’ve also had it brought up by friends that even if he did one day convey to me that he had forgiven her, that I have the right to choose not to make that same decision myself if I do not want to, and I mean… my friends are right.)

For the people who have insisted that I “get over it”, this is precisely how I intend on doing so.